Sabtu, 07 September 2024

One of the shittiest thing happened today. I don't have energy to hold on today. I'm so tired and sleepy. I'm tired of crying, but also I feel relief after. God indeed really protect me. But somehow I really lost all my trust to men. I have felt pain over again.  

But why do I always feel like I'm craving being loved by a Man romanticly.

Rasa kesepian yang memaksaku untuk terus mencari kegiatan dan hobi untuk mengalihkannya. Sampai aku sering merasa benci terhadap couples yang sering upload kebersamaan mereka. Karena membuatku merasa apakah aku tidak semenarik dan selayak itu sampai tidak ada laki-laki yang mengusahakanku. Aku selalu bertanya ke semesta salahku apa. Tapi semakin aku menagih jawaban, semakin terpuruk aku. Aku membeli buku psikologi dan self development berharap dapat jawaban. Kemudian aku berhenti tanya kenapa. 

Apa? Everyone wants to be loved. If nobody loves you, you gotta love your ownself. 

Jawaban yang aku dapat dari buku agar aku tetap menjalani hidup dan menerima takdir, sambil terus berattitude positif, membahagiakan diri sendiri, mencintai diri. Maafkan diri sendiri yang belum bisa jadi apa yang diharapkan. Berterima kasih pada diri sendiri yang kuat.

Aku jadi teringat nasihat seorang rekan kerja saat kami minum kopi di waktu istirahat. Dia bertanya mengapa aku terlihat sedih. Kemudian dia bilang begini "kamu punya pekerjaan? Gajimu cukup? Orangtuamu tidak menuntut apa-apa kan? Orangtuamu juga bukan sumber traumamu kan? Kamu ga punya hutang kan? Kamu belum ada cicilan apa-apa kan? Kamu bingung mau makan apa bukan karena uangnya ga ada, tapi bingung karena banyak pilihan kan? kamu punya rumah kan? Orangtua dan saudaramu masih lengkap kan? Mereka sehat kan? Coba kamu hitung berapa banyak privillege yang kamu punya. Bandingkan jumlahnya dengan berapa banyak hal yang buatmu sedih. Jangan sampai satu hal kesedihan bisa kalah dengan banyaknya privillegemu. Jangan karena satu kesedihan itu kamu jadi tidak ceria dan bahagia".

Itu adalah nasihat yang sangat membuka pikiranku yang tertutup ini.






Minggu, 21 Juli 2024

There was a feeling that I didn't want to come to Timika because I was too worried. I was afraid and anxious cause it was my first time traveling far away alone. Plus, I've only been on a plane once in my life (at that time I went with my office friends, so I just went with the flow). But if you think about it, this is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity, it would be a loss if I missed it.

Okay, in front of the gate, I walked back and forth to check whether I was at the right gate, cause boarding time was coming up. Luckily, Rudi was kind enough to guide me and accompany me virtually before boarding. Thank God when I left, it turned out not to be as scary as that. The Timika - Makassar journey was around 2 hours 15 minutes. Transiting at UPG I was in a cold sweat, I was confused and didn't know the direction. I kept walking following the people while looking at the signs.

Arrived at the counter to report, got the latest boarding pass, checked in and xray, waited at the gate for around 2 hours and 30 minutes. Take off at 4.40 am from Makassar and finally land in Mozes Kilangin airport at 8.35 am.

It feels like entering another world. Cause the weather at that time was rainy, foggy and cold. I pinched my arm to see if this was a dream. I really didn't expect to be able to set foot and breathe the air of Papua. The tiredness of 10 hours of traveling disappeared, I was full of smiles on the first day


The First Day

From the airport I was picked up by Mr. Afandy and Mrs. Sulis to Dasi Timika office, but before that we dropped Mrs. Andaru at the hotel. Arriving at the Timika office, I was extremely happy to meet Ka Dewi, Kerin, Ka Ani in person. Because we usually communicate virtually. And of course there is Mr Daniel.

As usual, we chatted, joked, teased each other. Until finally Mr. Daniel promoted his friend to be introduced to me. The information that his friend was kind, recommended in person, the name was Anugrah Hartadi. I was also given a photo to see. Indeed, when I left for Timika, I hoped that I could find a boyfriend here of if I lucky enough a husband.
So when I was matched, I didn't refuse. It's really wrong for me to set my expectation too high to uncertain thing. I've warned myself to control. don't get emotional easily, let alone fall in love.

Finished the office at 5 pm. I was allowed to sleep at Mr Afandy's house which is located in Kuala Kencana. Mrs. Sulis is also extraordinarily kind, I feel treated like her own child.

This was a very memorable atmosphere for me, my first time visiting Kuala Kencana. Before entering the area, we passed the guard post. From there the vibes were very strange. Like entering another world. Drizzling, cold, a bit foggy, tall trees on the side of the road, a bit mystical, the road is clean.


This is the residential atmosphere. Very comfortable.


The Second Day

July, 14 2024 Dasi Timika family gathering event. Finally I was able to meet colleagues who until now only knew their names, they were all kind and friendly. We arrived at the location at 7.39 am then immediately helped with the preparations. To be honest, I was confused about how to help, cause from the start I wasn't involved, I was afraid I would end up causing trouble if I was too involved.

Mr. Daniel poked me, "He is Anugrah, the one who spoke using a microphone. He's cool isn't he? he is event coordinator. He's a good kid, and nimble. He's an organization lad too."

In my mind at that time, Anugrah looks like my crush when I was in college. His body posture, public speaking, even his hair style really reminded me of my crush back then. At that time I didn't expect anything. Cause in my mind it seemed like he wasn't interested in me.


Long story short, the event went smoothly and was fun. And it was time to sit back and relax with Mr. Daniel and I chatted lightly. I don't know how, Mr. Daniel called Anugrah and asked us to meet directly. In the first, I didn't expect his response was like as if he was interested in me. I'm like a dog with two tails.
He's the type of person who is easy to love. Or is it me who falls in love too easily? I was in cloud nine, finally I can find a new love, but Enggar is too naive and innocent. The stupid Enggar was too happy to be aware that pain was about to come.

We continued to chat that night. I'm like a teenage girl who head over heels.


The Third Day

The morning at the office went normally, there were interludes of banter about the usual things. I'm still continuing to chat with Anugrah. I'll be going home tomorrow, I hope to be able to walk around Timika alone with him. Thankfully he seemed to be able to read my mind. I asked permission to Mr Afandy to go on a date with Anugrah and also borrow an operational car, thank God he immediately agreed.

It was really cute when he came to pick me up at Mr Afandy's house. Saying goodbye to his parents like a young man asking the daughter out on a date. It was a bit awkward and distant in car, somehow the atmosphere slowly melted and the conversation naturally enjoyable. He talked about his family, going to college as a member of an organization, about work. There are several things that made me fall in love in that second. He loves his parents very much, he has a vision and ambition for his career and future. He is willing to work hard to be able to support his family, he is diligent and obedient to pray Sholat

You all think that this is the bare minimum that a man must have. Nowadays, this value is difficult and rare.

It was really sweet when he asked if he could hold my hand, of course he could. He's sweet and gentlemen, it's melting my heart. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I was loved and wanted. I wish that night time would go slower, so that I could spend more time with him. And we kissed. I was on cloud nine. I poured my love for him into that kissed, I treasure that a lot. And one thing I know then, the sparks in his eyes were just the reflection of the love I have for him.

I don't know what I've done wrong. When I arrived in Jakarta he seemed distant, to the point that we no longer communicated. I knew this would come. But the wound still hurts like it fresh. Up to this second I still shed tears, the pain is unbearable. He apologized for not being able to be what I wanted.

The lesson is, don't fall in love too fast and too hard. Don't fall in love when you're lonely. Never set your expectation, never put your hope on someone.

But I thank you for the beautiful night, I would never forget the happines and pain you gave. In case you're wondering, I have loved you in the first touch of a hand.

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I want to say a big thank you to Mr. Afandy and Mrs. Sulis, who sponsors my trip to Timika. They were so kind while I was in Timika. May God reward you many times for your kindness.




Minggu, 03 Desember 2023

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Sabtu, 02 Desember 2023

I received a note on my desk. 
It written that someone loves me. 
I was in cloud nine. 
Cause I never received any. 

Deep down I know something isn't right. 
I know very well about myself. 
That no guy would fall for me. 
With my looks and pudgy thighs. 

It turned out to be a truth.  
It was all just a stupid prank.
So much I wanted to deny it.
So much I pretend it's not hurt

He said "sorry, It was all for fun".
All he knows is funny.
He never knows the damage is done.
I can hear my chest cracked, I replied "it's alright"

Pemicu kegundah-gulanaan hati bermacam-macam. Tergantung pada permasalahan apa yang kita hadapi saat ini. Seringnya peristiwa tak mengenakan dalam hidup membekas dan mengakar di dalam diri, jika tidak disembuhkan kita akan selamanya hidup dengan luka itu.

Berikut 5 buku self improvement bagus (menurut saya) yang dapat membuka pikiran dan melapangkan dada sehingga perasaan galau perlahan sembuh.


1. A Handbook For Self Acceptance
Penulis: Astid Savitri

Seringnya kegagalan bagi kita adalah suatu hal yang mesti dihindari. Buku ini membantu kita menyikapi dan melihat kegagalan dengan lebih positif. Bisa jadi kegagalan yang dialami ada suatu berkah yang tersembunyi.












2.  Loneliness is my best friend
Penulis: Alvi Syahrin

Buku ini membantu berdamai dengan rasa sepi. Belajar memilih diri sendiri, mulai peduli dengan diri sendiri, dan berusaha nyaman dalam kesendirian. Why do I always want more when I should be enough for myself?



3. A Handbook For Life Without Burden
Penulis: Diana Tara

Hidup di era saat ini menuntut kita untuk serba cepat, kita jadi tidak punya waktu untuk diri sendiri dari arus yang cepat dan sibuk. Semakin sibuk kita dianggap makin sukses oleh society, jika hidup lambat seperti tidak produktif kita dianggap pecundang.

Buku ini memberi insight dengan harapan kita dapat berlatih untuk melepaskan beban. "Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our problem" - Charlie Chaplin











4. Jika Kita Tak Pernah Baik-baik Saja
Penulis: Alvi Syahrin

Hidup memang tempat kita ditempa untuk tidak baik-baik saja. Buku ini mengajak kita mengenal arti kecewa dan bahagia.











5. A Handbook For Forgiveness
Penulis: Astrid Savitri

Memaafkan berhubungan dengan kesalahan dan setiap orang melakukan kesalahan. Maafkanlah diri sendiri sehingga kita mampu memaafkan orang lain. Memilih untuk memaafkan diri sendiri bukan berarti kita lemah, juga bukan berarti kita menoleransi kesalahan yang dilakukan. Memaafkan diri sendiri berarti melepaskan perasaan kebencian dan kemarahan yang terikat dengannya.










Itulah beberapa buku self improvement untuk teman-teman yang sedang galau. Diharapkan dengan bacaan tersebut dapat membuat kita feeling better, membuka pikiran kita dan membuat kita jadi pribadi yang lebih baik.