Nothing is Easy

I always feel bad and guilty if I don't feel good. Like I'm not supposed to feel this way, I got to be positive, I got to control my response. Whenever I can't do that, I feel worse. It's eating me alive. I always told to myself to not be negative, and I try so hard to smile feeling it good. Is it wrong if I can't hide my feeling whenever I don't feel good? 

I thought that there is something wrong with me that I have to fix myself. These past 3 years I was trying. I read self-development books to identify what symptoms I have. And I know that all the caused was inside my head. Like the way we think of ourselves, the way we response to any problem. I feel better every time I finish the books. I thought I'm getting better. Till I face again the same problem that put me in this state of depression, hatred, sadness, overthinking.

I feel helpless. I start to wonder if this useless. Cause I always hope those books can help me handle the situations better. I hope that I can control my responses and the way I think to myself instead of feeling down and not good enough. The problem is not those books. It's still inside my head. I always in the mode of threatened. My brain automatically gives signal that I'm not safe, projecting to what worse can happen. Big or small problems always put me in danger thoughts. I thought I'm getting better.

Sometimes I blame my father for everything I felt. He's not a good father, the parenting was so bad. And I grew up to be a coward, sensitive and bitter with the world. And I started to connect a dot that the life I have right now is because of his failure. Not uncommon for me to hate him. I really wish one day I have a good husband, that my child will not grow up hating their parents.

Back to the subject.

It is wrong for me to blame all this to my father. You all think I'm bad daughter, I don't care. You might all think that "your life, your own responsibility. Don't burden it to someone else" that is true. But parents play big  role in children's mentality. Since I was a child, I can never express my feelings, I suppress it. Cause they never understand me, they just scolding me. I never discuss anything cause they don't have a way out, I have to find and fix my own. I'm tired of childhood who grew up in difficult economy circumstance. I think if they good enough as parents, provide their children well physically and mentally, I will not grow up to be like this.

I want to heal. I don't want to feel like this forever. I'm tired.
I can't be like this. I have to forgive myself and my parents.