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Just a Stupid Prank

I received a note on my desk. 

It written that someone loves me. 

I was in cloud nine. 

Cause I never received any. 

Deep down I know something isn't right. 

I know very well about myself. 

That no guy would fall for me. 

With my looks and pudgy thighs. 

It turned out to be a truth.  

It was all just a stupid prank.

So much I wanted to deny it.

So much I pretend it's not hurt

He said "sorry, It was all for fun".

All he knows is funny.

He never knows the damage is done.

I can hear my chest cracked, I replied "it's alright"

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5 Buku Mantep Buat Lo Yang Lagi Galau

Pemicu kegundah-gulanaan hati bermacam-macam. Tergantung pada permasalahan apa yang kita hadapi saat ini. Seringnya peristiwa tak mengenakan dalam hidup membekas dan mengakar di dalam diri, jika tidak disembuhkan kita akan selamanya hidup dengan luka itu.

Berikut 5 buku self improvement bagus (menurut saya) yang dapat membuka pikiran dan melapangkan dada sehingga perasaan galau perlahan sembuh.

1. A Handbook For Self Acceptance
Penulis: Astid Savitri

Seringnya kegagalan bagi kita adalah suatu hal yang mesti dihindari. Buku ini membantu kita menyikapi dan melihat kegagalan dengan lebih positif. Bisa jadi kegagalan yang dialami ada suatu berkah yang tersembunyi.

2.  Loneliness is my best friend
Penulis: Alvi Syahrin

Buku ini membantu berdamai dengan rasa sepi. Belajar memilih diri sendiri, mulai peduli dengan diri sendiri, dan berusaha nyaman dalam kesendirian. Why do I always want more when I should be enough for myself?

3. A Handbook For Life Without Burden
Penulis: Diana Tara

Hidup di era saat ini menuntut kita untuk serba cepat, kita jadi tidak punya waktu untuk diri sendiri dari arus yang cepat dan sibuk. Semakin sibuk kita dianggap makin sukses oleh society, jika hidup lambat seperti tidak produktif kita dianggap pecundang.

Buku ini memberi insight dengan harapan kita dapat berlatih untuk melepaskan beban. "Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our problem" - Charlie Chaplin

4. Jika Kita Tak Pernah Baik-baik Saja
Penulis: Alvi Syahrin

Hidup memang tempat kita ditempa untuk tidak baik-baik saja. Buku ini mengajak kita mengenal arti kecewa dan bahagia.

5. A Handbook For Forgiveness
Penulis: Astrid Savitri

Memaafkan berhubungan dengan kesalahan dan setiap orang melakukan kesalahan. Maafkanlah diri sendiri sehingga kita mampu memaafkan orang lain. Memilih untuk memaafkan diri sendiri bukan berarti kita lemah, juga bukan berarti kita menoleransi kesalahan yang dilakukan. Memaafkan diri sendiri berarti melepaskan perasaan kebencian dan kemarahan yang terikat dengannya.

Itulah beberapa buku self improvement untuk teman-teman yang sedang galau. Diharapkan dengan bacaan tersebut dapat membuat kita feeling better, membuka pikiran kita dan membuat kita jadi pribadi yang lebih baik.

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2023 Almost Done, Am I Healed?

 A lot can happen in few years. Happy memories, pain, traumas. Some lessons have learned. But there is that one pain you thought you've been healed, somehow have not yet. You have read many psychology books in hoping searching for answer, in hoping you will feel better. You know very well what is hurting you, yet you can't let it go cause it has rooted inside you. And you ended up just live in looping, can't get out the situation. When I'm in happy state like I don't have depressed thought, I feel like I've been healed. But when I'm in stressed state feels like all pain in past resurface and suffocates me.

What am I supposed to do?

I can't live like this forever. ya Allah please help me.

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Nothing is Easy

I always feel bad and guilty if I don't feel good. Like I'm not supposed to feel this way, I got to be positive, I got to control my response. Whenever I can't do that, I feel worse. It's eating me alive. I always told to myself to not be negative, and I try so hard to smile feeling it good. Is it wrong if I can't hide my feeling whenever I don't feel good? 

I thought that there is something wrong with me that I have to fix myself. These past 3 years I was trying. I read self-development books to identify what symptoms I have. And I know that all the caused was inside my head. Like the way we think of ourselves, the way we response to any problem. I feel better every time I finish the books. I thought I'm getting better. Till I face again the same problem that put me in this state of depression, hatred, sadness, overthinking.

I feel helpless. I start to wonder if this useless. Cause I always hope those books can help me handle the situations better. I hope that I can control my responses and the way I think to myself instead of feeling down and not good enough. The problem is not those books. It's still inside my head. I always in the mode of threatened. My brain automatically gives signal that I'm not safe, projecting to what worse can happen. Big or small problems always put me in danger thoughts. I thought I'm getting better.

Sometimes I blame my father for everything I felt. He's not a good father, the parenting was so bad. And I grew up to be a coward, sensitive and bitter with the world. And I started to connect a dot that the life I have right now is because of his failure. Not uncommon for me to hate him. I really wish one day I have a good husband, that my child will not grow up hating their parents.

Back to the subject.

It is wrong for me to blame all this to my father. You all think I'm bad daughter, I don't care. You might all think that "your life, your own responsibility. Don't burden it to someone else" that is true. But parents play big  role in children's mentality. Since I was a child, I can never express my feelings, I suppress it. Cause they never understand me, they just scolding me. I never discuss anything cause they don't have a way out, I have to find and fix my own. I'm tired of childhood who grew up in difficult economy circumstance. I think if they good enough as parents, provide their children well physically and mentally, I will not grow up to be like this.

I want to heal. I don't want to feel like this forever. I'm tired.
I can't be like this. I have to forgive myself and my parents. 

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